Jeez, I should really be shot for waiting this long. I don't even know what's kept me from posting. In a rut much??
So I get done with dealing with Dad drama and back to what I love most...dealing with me, self absorbed human that I am, and yet I don't feel I have much to share.
I had a stupid, ridiculous fight with Mrs. Kravits which keeps a ton of drama out of the posts (and part of the reason for our fight) so I haven't been walking much of late. Although after the death of her brother (and my neighbor) we found a way to reconcile since I couldn't exactly be the cold hearted bitch I sometime dream of being during that crisis. I really do empathize with her...though her question of why her brother died boggles the imagination...I mean really?? He was 6'4" weighing 350 lbs if he weighed an ounce. He was diabetic and paranoid schizophrenic and unwilling to take meds for either condition. He drank an 18 pack a day and hadn't had a home cooked meal unless I made it in the last five years...which means fast food 98% if the time, and she wonders why he died???
In the last month I know 4 people who have died. And again, I'm trying to understand why I'm a little depressed. It's coming upon winter time and the weather is not helping. I woke up on Sunday to freezing weather and unable to rationalize getting out of bed to get to church, which is exactly what I should have done to end the blues that consumed me. Thank God I finally woke up from my lazitude and called my friend Sharon to express my gloominess - she too was feeling my blues and agreed to meet me for drinks and dinner. Little did either of us know her uncle would be one of the four dead folk I would be grieving for.
So yesterday we had a good Irish wake for her uncle, talking about family and just what constitutes that name. What we determined was that blood kin had little to do with it. Who we chose in our life was much more important. I mean, I love my parents and my siblings...I can get all emo about their demise when I think about it - but in the last several years, the people I talk to every day are just as much as my family as those who share my DNA.
What I know is that Ron from Texas is my life partner. He's not my husband in any traditional sense...but I can't imagine my life without him. We speak 3-4 times a day about absolutely nothing. We argue, we get pissy, we get bored with the conversations and we laugh together like couples who've been married for years. Who else am I going to tell that I've got a boil on my butt that hurts like hell? He's my guy. And I'm grateful to have him.
Sharon is my friend I met at church. She couldn't be more opposite from me if I tried. She's reserved, thin, detailed, and politically indifferent. On the other hand, she too is divorced, relationship-ly agnostic, without child, and my age-ish. She understands what it means to be too isolated for ones onwn good. I can call to tell her I'm blue when it makes no sense to feel that way.
Because the reality of where I am now is that I am blue. I've lost the equivalent of a seven year-old child (75 lbs) and nothing really has changed. I still have to shop at the 'fat' stores...even though I feel sexier/skinnier/thinner than I am. I thought I would be excited about pretty bras, but interestingly I'm much more interested in wearing high-heels. I thought I'd buy new clothes...but can't seem to rationalize spending the money on something I'd only wear for a few weeks. And the on-line dating thing is too depressing to even discuss. If you're not 35, skinny, never smoked and not interested in men who look like models or serial killers...you're out of luck.
So that's what I've been dealing with. sorry it's not more up beat and peppy. I just decided some time ago that I needed to be honest about where I am - for better or worse.
I am excited that I'll finally get to CES (consumer electronics show) this January (my birthday) and I do know my life is 93% better than most....I'm just saying that there's still a long way to go and some days are harder than others. None of which compares to my friends who've lost their wife, brother, mother or uncle. In light of all that...I'm just a sorry assed whiner.
