T-24

beautiful and sad day today. My dear Aunt Carolyn passed away last night. She was who I was hoping to visit in Alabama today. Day late and a dollar short. Literally.

I was following up on an expence reimbursement (essentially, I spent my mortgage on Easter flowers) when I happened upon a wonderful conversation with a church mate I rarely get to speak with at length. He had a miracle story to share. I had nothing but a weird dream about a pair of trained (but hungry) alligators I decided to buy and my ideas about how to keep them fed enough so they wouldn't eat the six bunny's and three cats I also had. Oh, and all of them I was hiding in the luxory mobile home of my feaux-boss.  I swear I was in no way intoxicated or medicated before bed. I had however finally figured out how to download Angry Birds.

T-25

So it was a really long week.  Had a fabulous time picking out $1200 worth of gorgeous flowers at the wholesale market to adorn the church for Easter Sunday and then spent the next eight hours with my "team" making the most stunning arrangements.

Sunday I really meant to get up and go to the Sunrise Service at 6 am, but yeah...that didn't work out so much.  I woke up at 5:30, said a quick "sorry Jesus" and went back to sleep.  I had already spent an hour keeping vigil at 2:30 am on Friday morning and I was just too damn exhausted.

Finally made it there at 8:30, helped set up for our Easter breakfast, cleaned up after and then had to usher.  It was a packed house.

I kept thinking that Jesus has one last supper and I get to have like 20!  Oh yeah - I'm taking full advantage of the time between now and surgery.  I've ordered pizza, had Chinese, sushi, Thai noodles, umpteen glasses of wine, and anything you can put cheese on.

Two weeks before surgery it'll be nothing but protein shakes, chicken and veggies, so might as well get it while the getting's good.

Monday met up with a friend and had a couple of really yummy beers and caught up.  Hadn't seen her in a while.  She was passing on a ticket to see Shrek-the Musical.  Highly recommend for those with with kids.  I mean, I enjoyed it, but could really see how a kid would be enthralled.  Saw that on Tuesday at The Fox.  Similar genre to The Paramount in Austin.

Smoking has been the big challenge.  Giving up caffeine was actually way easier than I thought...but the old rush of smoke filling the lungs is the hard one.  I keep saying 'tomorrow' and then freaking out and buying another pack.  Totally sucks. 

I'm driving to Tuscaloosa tomorrow to visit a dying aunt and know I'll blow through a pack in the car, so not even trying to kid myself about that one.  Maybe Sunday :)

Am so pleased that every time I share what I've decided to do, everyone is really happy  and excited for me.  And it seems everyone knows someone who has been through the procedure with positive results. I eventually quit looking at some of the blog sites because I've found a bunch of whiners.  I feel bad for them, I truly do...but I think a lot of those people had very unrealistic expectations about how this one thing was going to change their lives.  Yes, I think this will change my life - but only because I think I've done so much of the head work already.  And probably more will be needed.

I keep having weird dreams about my ex.  Not pleasant either.  I'm sure this is my subconscious working out all sorts of underlying fears about boys - which is so much a part of why I'm here in the first place.  But am just accepting it's all irrational and moving on.

In fact, I think it's ironic that the surgery date will be virtually 10 years to the day of my wedding.  The last time I looked and felt truly beautiful.  It's like a decade of recovering from that decision has lead to this one. 

Oh - and I crack myself up!  We had to get photos done for our church directory tonight.  I was thinking how sad it was that I will hate the photo and then all of a sudden I decided to have fun with the idea.  When you all get New Years cards from me next year that say 'hope next year is better than the last' you'll get the joke :)

Anyway - thanks for listening.  Everyone has said 'keep me posted' so this seems like the easiest way to do it.  And yes Stephanie...I did Google 'how to create a blog' moments after we hung up the phone.  Much easier than anticipated!

T-25 and counting!

Cam

T-30

So about 30 days from now I'm expecting to freak out.  I've jumped through all the hoops and filled out all the paperwork to go through bariatric surgery.  They will laparoscopically  take my football size stomach and reduce it to the size of oh...let's say a tennis ball.

At the moment, I'm excited.  I can only envision the boys, the bras, the clothes, and let's face it...the sex!

I've had my blood drawn, my weight measured, by breathing tested, and my head shrunk - all to ensure I don't have overblown ideas about what this surgery can do for me. Believe it or not, they decided I'm not crazy.  And after ten fucking years of therapy, I hope to God not.

It's Easter in two days.  I think it's worthwhile to note.  I was baptized on Easter morning.  I've been asking God to give me the strength, courage, and will to change my outer self to match what I (and others) see as my inner self.  I have learned to love myself as I am, forgive those who helped create my current self, and am finally ready to cleave myself from my past.  It's so hard, in today's political climate to thank Jesus without sounding like a political nut...but I will not deny my faith in him and the people he has put in my life for the ability to face my demons and take on this exciting and frightening journey.  As He rises from the dead this season, I hope I can rise above the Krazy of my own life - trusting He will be there to listen when I want to give up.