T-14

So for someone who by all measure is in the 'summer' of her life, this morning I felt irrationally like I'm in the spring.  The almost palpable sense of hope and impending bloom makes me feel a bit like a kid about to graduate from school.  I find this incredibly stunning given the fact that just a year ago I began labeling myself as old and truly felt my best years were behind me.  I saw living not a bad life...but a predictable and tepid one.

I am completely and utterly aware that no amount of surgery or weight loss will fix the ills of mind transfixed in an emotional status quo - but I do believe that optimism drives one to forge past the acceptance of a life live adequately to a life lived passionately. 

I've never been one to see the glass half empty so it is a little sad to me that I allowed myself to view my actual life that way - but like a freakishly stubborn weed, my internal hope springs eternal!  Several years ago I wrote a line in my diary that stated my heart was held together by hope and string.  Maybe today it's a little closer to duck tape :) 

So on my way to work today, as the morning air was still reasonably cool and the green was exploding in the hills around me, I thought about what I might hope for in my love life.  Anyone who knows me knows I can pick real humdingers.  I used to laugh and say that apparently my "want ad" for a man consisted of : "If you have no car, no job, no friends and DON'T want to have sex with me...I'm your girl!"

Trying to run on the assumption that I should actually put forward in a concrete and measurable way what I really do want in a man (should he exist) I came up with the following:

WANTED:

One self deprecatingly funny guy who knows his way around a tool box as much as his Xbox.  Desperately seeking someone who understands what it is to be a real man – not in the macho sense of the word…but an old fashioned, responsible, kind but firm gentleman. Someone who sees relationships as a friendship as well as a romantic partnership.  Someone who knows how to fight properly…i.e. sticks to the issue without making it personal, threatening to walk out or dredging up old crap.  Also someone who finds it amusing that someone would use “i.e.” in a personal ad.

I want someone who will call me on my bullshit but finds it cute that I am so passionately obstinate even when I’m wrong.  Someone who is willing to let me cry when I’m overwhelmed without needing to ‘fix’ the problem and quietly accepts that I habitually neglect to close doors, drawers and cabinets with any consistency.

Looking for a man who appreciates a girl with curves in all the right places…but accepts some curves in some wrong ones too.  I want a man who enjoys good food, adequate exercise, and great political discourse…these are deal breakers!  I want someone who is comfortable with who they are and knows what they want in life; hopefully someone who believes he already has most of what he wants and is willing to dry if I wash.

I am trying to find a man who believes in God without being zealous about it.  Someone who likes that I go to church most Sundays and loves when I’d rather laze in bed.  I want to meet someone who sees the cup as half full rather than half empty.  That cool, dry evenings are meant to be shared on the deck with a bottle of wine and the occasional silence.

I want a guy who’d rather take a road trip than a plane trip – with the windows rolled down so I can stick my arm out the window and feel the air roll across my arm like the rolling of the waves.  Who will smile at my tone deaf singing even though I think I sound great.

I need to find someone willing to occasionally sleep not just with me, but two big dogs and a couple of very needy cats….who will accept that I view them as family and secretly feel the same.

I want someone who listens to me well enough to understand I’d rather have a collector’s Ayn Rand than a piece of Tacori…and knows who John Gault is.  Preferably someone who didn’t just Google them to figure that sentence out.

If you are out there…so am I.