I'm utterly exhausted writing this tonight...so apologies if not up to par :) Started a week ago when I went on a 40 mile hunt for a freaking ice cream bar. I don't even care about ice cream! But the thought of never having one again...and at most a tiny taste of one for a very, very long time...made a bit of an addict out of me.
It was last Friday as I was watching TV, relaxing...chillin. Nothin' up for the evening... when an ad for Magnum Ice Cream made my mouth salivate over the creamy rich European vanilla ice cream, double coated in Belgian chocolate with a layer of caramel in between. My God it sounded like an orgasm on a stick! Hell, even the name Magnum brought certain connotations with it! So I think, why not? I've got nothing better to do at 10pm on a Friday night. So I Google the brand and very kindly it gave me a list of sellers within a 20 mile radius of my home. Walgreen's about 9 miles from my house seemed the closest.
So I set my Navigator with the address, choosing the back-roads instead of the freeway because I really don't like driving at night at 80 miles an hour anymore. I didn't realize it would add about 5 miles to my trip. And after driving along some very dark and country roads...I finally find heaven in the offing. And wouldn't you fucking know I picked the one Walgreen's on the planet that closes at 10pm.
Well now I'm on a mission. I am having ice cream by God! I'll go to Publix, the high-town grocery just down the road from my house. Surely they'll have something equally decadent to sink my taste buds into, right? But to hell with the back-roads, it's 10:30 now, and I just want sugar...a junkie overdosing on an imaginary high. It's not too long before I find the freeway and pick it up. I go about 5 exits down the road before I realize I am going the WRONG f'ing way! Seriously, I'm now 25 miles into my quest and farther than ever from home. So I turn around, literally now laughing like a mad woman at how crazy this would seem to any sane and rational person. I get off at the appropriate exit and make my way to the grocery store...and it's CLOSED! OMG! But do I take heed? Do I give up? Oh helllll no! In my peripheral vision I see the glowing neon sign of a Walgreen's oh but a few hundred yards away. Like a moth, I am driven to the calligraphy of the red glowing sign stating "OPEN 24 HOURS". And wouldn't you know...all but a lo 2 miles from my home I could have been satiated early and well - given they too carried the the crack-like cream I was so feverishly in need of. So like Gollum and his compulsive need to horde the One Ring, I giggled nervously on the way home - mentally savoring the heady vanilla, rich chocolate and buttery caramel about to cascade down my gullet.
At 11:35 last Friday night, after a 40 mile adventure, I wickedly tore at the paper covering, hoisted the Magnum bar to my mouth and thought...huh - I think Dove does this better. That was Friday.
Since then I have straightened the house, done the laundry, purchased $300 worth of shoes, a chair, a pillow, a belated mother's day gift, a new kitchen faucet, paid off a credit card, stuck a $1000 dollars into savings and stayed on the phone with friends way too late.
I have discovered my job is not quite as secure as I thought, I still don't want to quit smoking, am not ready to be off anti-depressants (went a little crazy for nine hours when I couldn't find my cat...many apologies to my neighbor when he finally came home), and I will always rationalize a way to pay somebody else to dust. I also discovered that real gunshots at 3 am really can cause a person to freak out just a little.
I have locked myself out of my car, lost my phone, found my phone and dropped my phone into a steaming whirlpool that is my tub. It wants to work desperately and I'm not sure it will ever be the same. If not, I have to assure my boss that it was not a radical attempt to secure the same phone in hot pink instead of the aqua I currently possess.
I have had the kitchen faucet installed, the house de-furred and dusted, a new shoe rack assembled, a programmable thermostat mounted and 17 plants ensconced along my drive.
I arranged three business trips, 7 meetings, my funeral (should the worst occur) and completed four expense reports. I spent 2 hours washing dishes after our church picnic last Sunday. Tomorrow I usher, host a planning committee meeting and intend to see a movie. All with nothing but clear liquids to drink. I don't think wine is included in the list.
I am fairly certain I'm due for a couple of weeks off...even if it does entail radical surgery that will alter my life forever. I mean really??? Seriously? When did life get this hard?
Thank you as always for listening.
Cam
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