So if 21 is the year of living dangerously...The year of 41 is living selfishly. For one thing, I can't believe I'm 41. It's not even a concept I can wrap my brain around. I am officially middle age and I don't know how to process that information.
What I do know is that I feel like that the last few years of my life have been lost in a vacuum. Not wasted perhaps - a lot of growth has come in these last few years. I keep thinking about my father's statement that you don't get smart until your 40. So by that measure, I'm just getting started. But I spent an awful lot of time sitting at home either stuffing my face or feeling sorry for myself or just killing time. And it's the last statement that really bothers me.
If you're stuffing your face or feeling sorry for yourself, there's still an action involved. Albeit an unhealthy one - but an action nonetheless. But the killing time thing - that's a waste of a life. Going back to the God thing - that was really the thing that made me feel the most guilty. I truly feel that God put us on this life to LIVE. To feel, the grow, to think, to explore. Not all of it will feel good. Some of it will suck. A lot of it will be routine. But to give up on the gift of looking forward is I think is one of the biggest sins in this life and it's not even listed in the top 10. I don't know, but maybe God thought living by the original ten would inherently create the concept of hope - but since I haven't always done such a good job of following them - maybe I missed something along the way.
What I do know is that hope, excitement, the future (today) are all very relevant to me now. I don't want to sit at home and wait for when I have the time, have the money, have the man, have the family to do the things I want to do NOW. Of course there has to be a balance of sorts. You do have to plan for the future or you'll be screwed then too - but seriously, I never have looked back and said "Wow - I really wish I hadn't have taken that one month of my life at 21 to drive from Austin to Connecticut and back." And even for the hot second of my marriage - I only rarely think I should have foregone it. I did at least look hot for my wedding and gain a fabulous week in Cabo for my trouble. Hell - even 10 years later I finagled a stunning sofa out of that deal...so it wasn't ALL bad.
But somewhere along the way I got complacent. I got lazy about living. God didn't put us on this earth to just breath in, out and die. He put us here to experience the wonder and the majesty of the world around us. To take in the good, the bad and the ugly along with the awesome ability to rise above those things and thrive.
So this past week I've been planning out the ways to maximize the opportunities I have before me so that I'm actually DOING something with the life I have.
For the fourth of July I found a uniquely Georgia event not far from home. It's a sunflower festival just 40 miles up the road. Good eats, sunflowers for miles, and an arts festival all rolled up into one. A lot like the strawberry festival in California without the dickhead of a date I brought with me to that one! Instead I'll take Mrs. Kravits who I think is suffering from her own bout of fatalism. If sunflowers can't cure her - I don't know what will.
In fact, I'm finally taking her up on her offer of a beach trip in Florida the week after. She's been bugging me for years to go - and through my own bout of isolationism - I've always found a reasonable reason not to go. But why on earth would a rational person avoid a free place to stay at the beach?? Bring on the 70SPF and let's hit the sand!
I've already mentioned the summer trip to Austin and the long desired trip to Schlitterbahn. But in between, I want to hit some other sites as well. I want to actually ride the tram up to see Stone Mountain just a few miles from my house. Five years and I've never seen the enormous bas-relief on its north face, the largest bas-relief in the world?? The carving depicts three figures of the Confederate States of America: Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, and Jefferson Davis. (yeah - I copied that from Wikipedia, hence all the links :) ) But still - It's a gorgeous park and I've never done the most obvious of tourist attractions there.
I did go to the Wren's Nest house a couple of weekends ago. Neat house, much more interesting history. Home of Joel Harris Chandler, author of all the "Uncle Remus" stories. If that doesn't ring a bell, think Brear Rabbit.
Within the next 12 months I want to get over to Charleston, SC and Savannah, GA. Two of the biggest draws of moving to Atlanta in the first place. And I've never been. Because I didn't have the money or didn't have the time. You know, both those reasons are bullshit. I nickle and dime my way out of Target or the grocery store all the time. I always seem to have the money there. What I want to do this year is avoid the plastic I bring home every week and save that for real memories. Real living. Real investment in my real GD life. That's what God meant for me to do here and I've been frittering it away like I've got all the time in the world to do it. And the reality is...none of us do.
Quit sitting on the sidelines of life and go live it. I've got lots of inspiration from so many of you...and for that I am eternally grateful.
Loving all of you,
Cam
Monday, June 27, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Week 4
I have to say thank you for all the wonderful comments and posts to my last email. I guess God took pity on my whining and heeded your loving comments...because I finally broke free of the 244 lb. barrier! Officially down to 239 - 25 pounds and counting!! Yeah!
It's been a strange couple of weeks. Interviewing for a job I already have - which blessedly seems to be re-instated to me. Apparently impressing some folks with a binding machine...a tool I've been using for 10 years. I remember impressing another boss with said tool back then. Little does anyone know I just find the machine fascinating and will use any excuse to use it :) Setting up interviews for other people...for jobs which they already have - but not have next week.
My sister Rebel came in town with her family on their way to Williamsburg, VA - 1/2 work, 1/2 vacation. We had a wonderful dinner with my Aunt and Uncle and cousins. You know it's always touch and go with family...but happy to report that everyone seemed to have a really nice time. Even the youngun's. I remember being bored as hell during family reunion type events, but my youngest nephew just made himself at home telling tall tales of public-school persecution and being wrongfully accused for being a bully. I believe the school labeled it terrorism??!! Where have we come in this world????
Then Mrs. Kravits had to go up north (Georgia that is...not NY) to care for her pseudo-daughter in law while she had an appendectomy or something, so I'm left to buy an 18 pack each night for her brother. Seriously - Old English 800 Malt Liquor. I'm not lying.
Yesterday, which seems like a week ago, an old friend of mine came in for a 6 hour layover, so we tooled around Buckhead to seek out her old apartment and bars, only to discover all but the apartments had been torn down to build new strip malls. After a lovely lunch (including a fabulous margarita!) I took her back to the airport only for her to find her flight cancelled and winding up just going home instead.
Today, I was at the church by 8:30 working on funeral floral arrangements, at work by 10am. Discovered Travelocity was having a great summer sale and bought tickets back to Austin for the end of August. Told Mom she could have me for three days, but Saturday I was going to Schlitterbahn! Haven't been there in 20 years and been dreaming about it nearly as long. World's largest water park! Yeah!!! Invited Rebel and the family, Ron, and left messages for Wende and Whit to see if we can't make it a family affair. Anyone else in the area is more than welcome to come as far as I am concerned. Saturday, August 27th. Let's go!
Really hoping to make the most of this summer as I believe this fall will be crazy busy. In fact, I think I might just take Mrs. Kravits up on her offer to go to Panama Beach for the 4th of July. Who cares if I'm fat? It's not like I'm going to see these people again, right? Really, it's more like a pig in $#!&/ A year from now - none of this will even matter. Most stuff in life doesn't.
My thoughts for the day...
Cam
It's been a strange couple of weeks. Interviewing for a job I already have - which blessedly seems to be re-instated to me. Apparently impressing some folks with a binding machine...a tool I've been using for 10 years. I remember impressing another boss with said tool back then. Little does anyone know I just find the machine fascinating and will use any excuse to use it :) Setting up interviews for other people...for jobs which they already have - but not have next week.
My sister Rebel came in town with her family on their way to Williamsburg, VA - 1/2 work, 1/2 vacation. We had a wonderful dinner with my Aunt and Uncle and cousins. You know it's always touch and go with family...but happy to report that everyone seemed to have a really nice time. Even the youngun's. I remember being bored as hell during family reunion type events, but my youngest nephew just made himself at home telling tall tales of public-school persecution and being wrongfully accused for being a bully. I believe the school labeled it terrorism??!! Where have we come in this world????
Then Mrs. Kravits had to go up north (Georgia that is...not NY) to care for her pseudo-daughter in law while she had an appendectomy or something, so I'm left to buy an 18 pack each night for her brother. Seriously - Old English 800 Malt Liquor. I'm not lying.
Yesterday, which seems like a week ago, an old friend of mine came in for a 6 hour layover, so we tooled around Buckhead to seek out her old apartment and bars, only to discover all but the apartments had been torn down to build new strip malls. After a lovely lunch (including a fabulous margarita!) I took her back to the airport only for her to find her flight cancelled and winding up just going home instead.
Today, I was at the church by 8:30 working on funeral floral arrangements, at work by 10am. Discovered Travelocity was having a great summer sale and bought tickets back to Austin for the end of August. Told Mom she could have me for three days, but Saturday I was going to Schlitterbahn! Haven't been there in 20 years and been dreaming about it nearly as long. World's largest water park! Yeah!!! Invited Rebel and the family, Ron, and left messages for Wende and Whit to see if we can't make it a family affair. Anyone else in the area is more than welcome to come as far as I am concerned. Saturday, August 27th. Let's go!
Really hoping to make the most of this summer as I believe this fall will be crazy busy. In fact, I think I might just take Mrs. Kravits up on her offer to go to Panama Beach for the 4th of July. Who cares if I'm fat? It's not like I'm going to see these people again, right? Really, it's more like a pig in $#!&/ A year from now - none of this will even matter. Most stuff in life doesn't.
My thoughts for the day...
Cam
Monday, June 20, 2011
Week 3.5
One of the things I have never been very good at is letting others know when I'm not at 100%. This is one of those times.
It's not that I'm not doing well. I mean, really - it's pretty incredible how far I've come. But I'm an impatient sort. Hell, isn't that part of the reason I had surgery? So even though I've lost 22 pounds, I'm frustrated that I haven't lost more. I've hit a plateau and been stuck there for the last 10 days or so.
Other than a couple of odd days last week, I've been getting up with Mrs. Kravits and walking about a mile and a half, making my high protein shake and limiting my carbs to relatively nothing compared to a month ago and I'm fucking stuck. It doesn't seem fair.
But when I had my first post-op doctors appointment last week, the doc said I was doing great. So why don't I feel that way? Is this a product of my microwave generation? Am I destined to always look at the sluggish pace of real life? I want to be skinny now! Instead, I get on the scale and look at the same number over and over again.
I bypass the fact that I've already boxed up half my closet and donated it to the fat relatives of Mrs. Kravits; and beyond that I've gone down a bra size - meaning I no longer have to snap my bras in front and then swing it around while I hop like a freaking pogo stick to get my boobs and the cups in alignment. That should be a celebration in itself. But no - I linger on the fact that I still can't wedge my feet into the new shoes I bought a month ago in anticipation of being thinner in my feet. I still have a double chin. And my sugar levels still seem to be at diabetic levels. Much lower to be sure - but not eliminated.
On the other hand, I am trying my best to remain rational. The good news is that the plateau lets my body catch up to the weight loss - meaning my skin has time to regroup rather than just sag like a kangaroo.
I get irrationally happy that I still poo everyday like a normal person. No one likes to talk about poo - but it's a good thing when it happens. It means your body is digesting like it should and eliminating waste. It's not a topic people share over lunch, but I was always pleased that at 10 am I could count on a good 'deposit'. I was told that might change after surgery...and happily I'm still on schedule.
I like seeing my jawline for the first time in years. I like putting on shorts I bought 3 years ago and being able to zip them up. And I love the fact I was in better shape than my dog as we climbed the big hill behind my house for the first time last week.
Two weeks ago I was feeling so over the moon happy I bought a new car. It was such a girly reason too. It was basically because I never like the orangy-red metallic color of the last car. and for once in my life, I owed less on a used car than it was worth. So I was bored after church and didn't feel like going home. Instead I went to the Kia dealership and test drove the rat-mobile (Kia Soul). I fell in love immediately and didn't even bother to try and hide it. Of course they sent me home with it (the beauty of being a buxom blue-eyed red-head with a Persion dealer!). The next day they came withing $50 of my current payments and I signed the papers. I should have negotiated a bit more, but I still got a pretty good deal. I think the last time I had a brand new car was when I was 21. I believe I was due. Granted, the sales agent asked how I was feeling - and I said "scared". He said "why are you scared?" To which I replied: "Because I'm 41 years old and I've never made a decision without the approval of my parents. If I tell them, I'm so grounded!" So Whit or Rebel...if you read this - just keep your mouth shut. You don't have to lie...but I doubt anyone will be asking a direct question on this topic. And if you just can't help yourself (Rebel) - ultimately I broke even. Insurance and gas consumption went down and I have a better warranty to boot.
Additionally, the last couple of weeks have been especially stressful as my company is going through a massive reorganization. The boss that I love is leaving, but seems to be replaced with an equally cool Brit. Others though are bailing, taking advantage of a very nice settlement package - leaving my team a bit in flux. And while I am happy to be ensured of my job, I will miss some of the people I have worked with for the last two years. Amazing how I have a knack for picking industries with overwhelming competition to survive. Let's hope Nokia will find the wherewith all to get through this. Without this job, and the people supporting me - I might never have come this far.
Hope this updates everyone!
Cam
It's not that I'm not doing well. I mean, really - it's pretty incredible how far I've come. But I'm an impatient sort. Hell, isn't that part of the reason I had surgery? So even though I've lost 22 pounds, I'm frustrated that I haven't lost more. I've hit a plateau and been stuck there for the last 10 days or so.
Other than a couple of odd days last week, I've been getting up with Mrs. Kravits and walking about a mile and a half, making my high protein shake and limiting my carbs to relatively nothing compared to a month ago and I'm fucking stuck. It doesn't seem fair.
But when I had my first post-op doctors appointment last week, the doc said I was doing great. So why don't I feel that way? Is this a product of my microwave generation? Am I destined to always look at the sluggish pace of real life? I want to be skinny now! Instead, I get on the scale and look at the same number over and over again.
I bypass the fact that I've already boxed up half my closet and donated it to the fat relatives of Mrs. Kravits; and beyond that I've gone down a bra size - meaning I no longer have to snap my bras in front and then swing it around while I hop like a freaking pogo stick to get my boobs and the cups in alignment. That should be a celebration in itself. But no - I linger on the fact that I still can't wedge my feet into the new shoes I bought a month ago in anticipation of being thinner in my feet. I still have a double chin. And my sugar levels still seem to be at diabetic levels. Much lower to be sure - but not eliminated.
On the other hand, I am trying my best to remain rational. The good news is that the plateau lets my body catch up to the weight loss - meaning my skin has time to regroup rather than just sag like a kangaroo.
I get irrationally happy that I still poo everyday like a normal person. No one likes to talk about poo - but it's a good thing when it happens. It means your body is digesting like it should and eliminating waste. It's not a topic people share over lunch, but I was always pleased that at 10 am I could count on a good 'deposit'. I was told that might change after surgery...and happily I'm still on schedule.
I like seeing my jawline for the first time in years. I like putting on shorts I bought 3 years ago and being able to zip them up. And I love the fact I was in better shape than my dog as we climbed the big hill behind my house for the first time last week.
Two weeks ago I was feeling so over the moon happy I bought a new car. It was such a girly reason too. It was basically because I never like the orangy-red metallic color of the last car. and for once in my life, I owed less on a used car than it was worth. So I was bored after church and didn't feel like going home. Instead I went to the Kia dealership and test drove the rat-mobile (Kia Soul). I fell in love immediately and didn't even bother to try and hide it. Of course they sent me home with it (the beauty of being a buxom blue-eyed red-head with a Persion dealer!). The next day they came withing $50 of my current payments and I signed the papers. I should have negotiated a bit more, but I still got a pretty good deal. I think the last time I had a brand new car was when I was 21. I believe I was due. Granted, the sales agent asked how I was feeling - and I said "scared". He said "why are you scared?" To which I replied: "Because I'm 41 years old and I've never made a decision without the approval of my parents. If I tell them, I'm so grounded!" So Whit or Rebel...if you read this - just keep your mouth shut. You don't have to lie...but I doubt anyone will be asking a direct question on this topic. And if you just can't help yourself (Rebel) - ultimately I broke even. Insurance and gas consumption went down and I have a better warranty to boot.
Additionally, the last couple of weeks have been especially stressful as my company is going through a massive reorganization. The boss that I love is leaving, but seems to be replaced with an equally cool Brit. Others though are bailing, taking advantage of a very nice settlement package - leaving my team a bit in flux. And while I am happy to be ensured of my job, I will miss some of the people I have worked with for the last two years. Amazing how I have a knack for picking industries with overwhelming competition to survive. Let's hope Nokia will find the wherewith all to get through this. Without this job, and the people supporting me - I might never have come this far.
Hope this updates everyone!
Cam
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Week 2
So once again I stepped on the scale this morning. The question everyone wants to know...how much have you lost??? In an stunning 12 days - not even a full two weeks, I have lost 20 pounds! I keep thinking about pounds of butter. It's like 20 boxes of butter had been taped to my body and they are gone! Melted off like I had stuck them in the microwave or something.
The next obvious questions have been - how do you feel? Are you hungry? What can you eat?
1. I feel amazing. After those few horrible days, I am amazed at my level of energy and the desire to accomplish things I've put off for months. I reorganized my kitchen to make room for my protein powder, vitamins and supplements.
I finally sat down and filed the accumulation of papers I'd stuck in a box that said "to file". It took me seven hours, but I finally waded to the bottom of the stack and feel great that everything is finally in order.
I've walked every day with the help of Mrs. Kravits - making it fully around my small block as of last Thursday. Tomorrow we'll push on a little further. I keep reminding myself I have a lifetime to add distance to my walk...right now it's about getting the routine in place.
I had Harry, the handyman, come by yesterday and we ripped out the horrible, shredded carpet that was in one of the guest rooms and prepped the plywood for me to paint. I can't wait to create a fun and exciting alternative to traditional flooring in what will become my office/craftroom.
I had my toenails painted and my hair cut. A treat to myself for coming this far. It will be important to reward myself in new and different ways for accomplishments that don't include food.
I tried on clothes I wore just but a month ago and felt them glide on my body easily rather than sucking in my stomach to loop the buttons. That is a feeling you can't pay money for.
2. Am I hungry? Not really. Yesterday I was truly hungry for the first time. But I had been running at 90 miles an hour since I woke up for my walk. At 2:30 I realized I was hungry. Typically this would mean I would eat twice as much as I needed and then either need a nap or was physically 'done' with any meaningful activity. Instead I had a bowl of soup. Momentarily thinking I should have more before remembering my stomach is now the size of a golf ball. I waited about twenty minutes and realized I really didn't need anything else. I was then able to continue working on the various projects around the house I had started earlier. That too is a wonderful learning curve.
3. What can I eat? I have to have 60-70 grams of protein each day to ensure I don't lose too much muscle as I shed the weight. I have figured out that I can get 50 grams each day just in a morning breakfast shake. With a scoop of protein powder, a small container of Greek yogurt and a cup of skim milk, I get more than 2/3rds of my daily protein in just at breakfast.
As of today, I can start adding pureed food - broadening my menu from shakes and soup to include real food. Lots of folks have suggested baby food, which I did purchase a bit of the other day - but couldn't bring myself to buy baby food meat. Too gross to look at :) Instead bought some pre-cooked teriyake chicken breasts that I can blend with a bit of broth which I am sure will be more palatable than whatever bland yuck we feed our babies! I can't wait to try this for dinner.
I expect by next week I can start adding things to my diet like scrambled eggs and cottage cheese. Soft solids. So far - I have have been fortunate that I have had no negative reactions to what I've eaten. Sticking to the suggested plan, allowing the fear of pain to positively affect my choices. And when you step on the scale each morning to see the reward of those choices...it makes it easy to stay on track.
Every day I am encouraged to think that soon...I will be half the woman I am today :)
So again, all is wonderful in my world today and I could not be happier I finally made the decision to take proactive action; allowing myself to live the life I am supposed to live.
Off to take a shower and head to church. Can't wait to share more later!
Cam
The next obvious questions have been - how do you feel? Are you hungry? What can you eat?
1. I feel amazing. After those few horrible days, I am amazed at my level of energy and the desire to accomplish things I've put off for months. I reorganized my kitchen to make room for my protein powder, vitamins and supplements.
I finally sat down and filed the accumulation of papers I'd stuck in a box that said "to file". It took me seven hours, but I finally waded to the bottom of the stack and feel great that everything is finally in order.
I've walked every day with the help of Mrs. Kravits - making it fully around my small block as of last Thursday. Tomorrow we'll push on a little further. I keep reminding myself I have a lifetime to add distance to my walk...right now it's about getting the routine in place.
I had Harry, the handyman, come by yesterday and we ripped out the horrible, shredded carpet that was in one of the guest rooms and prepped the plywood for me to paint. I can't wait to create a fun and exciting alternative to traditional flooring in what will become my office/craftroom.
I had my toenails painted and my hair cut. A treat to myself for coming this far. It will be important to reward myself in new and different ways for accomplishments that don't include food.
I tried on clothes I wore just but a month ago and felt them glide on my body easily rather than sucking in my stomach to loop the buttons. That is a feeling you can't pay money for.
2. Am I hungry? Not really. Yesterday I was truly hungry for the first time. But I had been running at 90 miles an hour since I woke up for my walk. At 2:30 I realized I was hungry. Typically this would mean I would eat twice as much as I needed and then either need a nap or was physically 'done' with any meaningful activity. Instead I had a bowl of soup. Momentarily thinking I should have more before remembering my stomach is now the size of a golf ball. I waited about twenty minutes and realized I really didn't need anything else. I was then able to continue working on the various projects around the house I had started earlier. That too is a wonderful learning curve.
3. What can I eat? I have to have 60-70 grams of protein each day to ensure I don't lose too much muscle as I shed the weight. I have figured out that I can get 50 grams each day just in a morning breakfast shake. With a scoop of protein powder, a small container of Greek yogurt and a cup of skim milk, I get more than 2/3rds of my daily protein in just at breakfast.
As of today, I can start adding pureed food - broadening my menu from shakes and soup to include real food. Lots of folks have suggested baby food, which I did purchase a bit of the other day - but couldn't bring myself to buy baby food meat. Too gross to look at :) Instead bought some pre-cooked teriyake chicken breasts that I can blend with a bit of broth which I am sure will be more palatable than whatever bland yuck we feed our babies! I can't wait to try this for dinner.
I expect by next week I can start adding things to my diet like scrambled eggs and cottage cheese. Soft solids. So far - I have have been fortunate that I have had no negative reactions to what I've eaten. Sticking to the suggested plan, allowing the fear of pain to positively affect my choices. And when you step on the scale each morning to see the reward of those choices...it makes it easy to stay on track.
Every day I am encouraged to think that soon...I will be half the woman I am today :)
So again, all is wonderful in my world today and I could not be happier I finally made the decision to take proactive action; allowing myself to live the life I am supposed to live.
Off to take a shower and head to church. Can't wait to share more later!
Cam
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