So if 21 is the year of living dangerously...The year of 41 is living selfishly. For one thing, I can't believe I'm 41. It's not even a concept I can wrap my brain around. I am officially middle age and I don't know how to process that information.
What I do know is that I feel like that the last few years of my life have been lost in a vacuum. Not wasted perhaps - a lot of growth has come in these last few years. I keep thinking about my father's statement that you don't get smart until your 40. So by that measure, I'm just getting started. But I spent an awful lot of time sitting at home either stuffing my face or feeling sorry for myself or just killing time. And it's the last statement that really bothers me.
If you're stuffing your face or feeling sorry for yourself, there's still an action involved. Albeit an unhealthy one - but an action nonetheless. But the killing time thing - that's a waste of a life. Going back to the God thing - that was really the thing that made me feel the most guilty. I truly feel that God put us on this life to LIVE. To feel, the grow, to think, to explore. Not all of it will feel good. Some of it will suck. A lot of it will be routine. But to give up on the gift of looking forward is I think is one of the biggest sins in this life and it's not even listed in the top 10. I don't know, but maybe God thought living by the original ten would inherently create the concept of hope - but since I haven't always done such a good job of following them - maybe I missed something along the way.
What I do know is that hope, excitement, the future (today) are all very relevant to me now. I don't want to sit at home and wait for when I have the time, have the money, have the man, have the family to do the things I want to do NOW. Of course there has to be a balance of sorts. You do have to plan for the future or you'll be screwed then too - but seriously, I never have looked back and said "Wow - I really wish I hadn't have taken that one month of my life at 21 to drive from Austin to Connecticut and back." And even for the hot second of my marriage - I only rarely think I should have foregone it. I did at least look hot for my wedding and gain a fabulous week in Cabo for my trouble. Hell - even 10 years later I finagled a stunning sofa out of that deal...so it wasn't ALL bad.
But somewhere along the way I got complacent. I got lazy about living. God didn't put us on this earth to just breath in, out and die. He put us here to experience the wonder and the majesty of the world around us. To take in the good, the bad and the ugly along with the awesome ability to rise above those things and thrive.
So this past week I've been planning out the ways to maximize the opportunities I have before me so that I'm actually DOING something with the life I have.
For the fourth of July I found a uniquely Georgia event not far from home. It's a sunflower festival just 40 miles up the road. Good eats, sunflowers for miles, and an arts festival all rolled up into one. A lot like the strawberry festival in California without the dickhead of a date I brought with me to that one! Instead I'll take Mrs. Kravits who I think is suffering from her own bout of fatalism. If sunflowers can't cure her - I don't know what will.
In fact, I'm finally taking her up on her offer of a beach trip in Florida the week after. She's been bugging me for years to go - and through my own bout of isolationism - I've always found a reasonable reason not to go. But why on earth would a rational person avoid a free place to stay at the beach?? Bring on the 70SPF and let's hit the sand!
I've already mentioned the summer trip to Austin and the long desired trip to Schlitterbahn. But in between, I want to hit some other sites as well. I want to actually ride the tram up to see Stone Mountain just a few miles from my house. Five years and I've never seen the enormous bas-relief on its north face, the largest bas-relief in the world?? The carving depicts three figures of the Confederate States of America: Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, and Jefferson Davis. (yeah - I copied that from Wikipedia, hence all the links :) ) But still - It's a gorgeous park and I've never done the most obvious of tourist attractions there.
I did go to the Wren's Nest house a couple of weekends ago. Neat house, much more interesting history. Home of Joel Harris Chandler, author of all the "Uncle Remus" stories. If that doesn't ring a bell, think Brear Rabbit.
Within the next 12 months I want to get over to Charleston, SC and Savannah, GA. Two of the biggest draws of moving to Atlanta in the first place. And I've never been. Because I didn't have the money or didn't have the time. You know, both those reasons are bullshit. I nickle and dime my way out of Target or the grocery store all the time. I always seem to have the money there. What I want to do this year is avoid the plastic I bring home every week and save that for real memories. Real living. Real investment in my real GD life. That's what God meant for me to do here and I've been frittering it away like I've got all the time in the world to do it. And the reality is...none of us do.
Quit sitting on the sidelines of life and go live it. I've got lots of inspiration from so many of you...and for that I am eternally grateful.
Loving all of you,
Cam
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